Life Changing

Everyone tells you when you have a baby, it changes your life. Sleep gets thrown out the door, spontaneous outings are never heard from again, and priorities are forever shifted. We can't wait for these things to start happening to us, but when you're adopting, things start shifting a bit earlier.

This past weekend, Kevin and I went on a little trip across the country. It was an important trip, perhaps one of the most important things that we'll ever do. We got to meet the birth mother who has chosen us. We got to meet her mother. We got to meet her sisters and aunt. We met the birth father, and his brother. By Saturday night we fell exhausted, and found a bottle of wine and a piece of chocolate cake, instantly taking us back to our comfort zone. To what we know.

After I lost the baby, I bounced back fairly quickly. Everyone said how strong I was. I went back to work a week later. I started going out with friends again over a month after that, and generally speaking, I was doing ok. It got on my nerves how everyone kept telling me that, because I wasn't trying to be strong and move forward, it just happened. I didn't want to live sad. Plus, I truly believe that there is a difference in strength with what happens TO you, as opposed to what you choose to go out and make happen. My point is, losing the baby happened to us, we just needed to react and deal with the broken pieces. But going through adoption...that is something we have pursued and gone after ourselves. Which takes a 1000 times more strength, in my opinion, to go after a dream. To take yourself 110% out of your comfort zone and do something radical.

Adoption is not radical, I realize. But sitting on a couch at our BM's home with her mom, having just met less than 12 hours before, talking about the baby that is growing in her, that we will raise. Well that was a pretty surreal experience. Radical, almost, in my eyes. Every so often I would get this thought..."what are we doing?!" Not that I'm having second thoughts or anything, don't get me wrong. But unless you've gone through it, there are few words to even start to describe what we were feeling. I'm sure the BM was feeling the same way...but if she wasn't pregnant, our paths never would have crossed, and I couldn't help but feel that we were sent there for a reason. Yes, the baby, but this family chose us for a reason.

Many questions have come up about the BM, the baby, due date, sex, etc. I won't be sharing any further details about the BM. We are going to keep those details private from everyone and only share with the baby. It's the baby's information to have, and when baby is old enough, baby can do with it what he/she pleases. I will say that she is due in February, and yes, we know the sex, but we are keeping that under wraps for now too.

We are ready for the life changing exprience the baby will surely bring. We have been ready. But life changing has already started for us. We are beyond excited, and just letting ourselves bask in the joy that we will soon be parents. But we continue to pray for the BM and her family, because in a few months, she will need it more than ever, for her life is changing too.

Making Plans

Ever hear the saying, "life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.*" Nothing could be more appropriate for us in the past few years. We have made many plans only to be laughed at by said plans. It's been a huge lesson of patience and perseverance. We must not forget the perseverance.

Today I was out walking my pup, and two little girls half walked, half skipped past us as only little girls can do. They were about 10 years old, and I caught part of their conversation. One said, "so before we get married and stuff, do you want to get an apartment by ourselves in New York City? Like a HUGE apartment?!" The other responded, "of course!...but we're not marrying each other." And they scurried along, and I thought how cute it was that they were making these plans at the age of 10 years old. Plans are funny things.

But it brought me back to our wedding day. I had invited one of my oldest friends to our wedding, and we had really lost touch. But as a last minute addition, I added her to the guest list and she showed up! She came right up to me, and gave me a hug at the reception and asked immediately why the bridesmaids didn't all have different colored gowns on, like a rainbow. I did have a glass or two of wine, but I looked at her like she was crazy. She said, when we were little, you always talked about how at your wedding the bridesmaids would be wearing different colors...one color was just boring. And in an instant I saw us in our 10 or 11 year old selves talking about such things as our wedding days.

Right now we're making different kinds of plans. We are planning the arrival of a baby. Not our biological baby, but a baby that is to be ours, nonetheless. I have been pregnant, so I know how different this feels to prepare for a baby that is not in my womb. Sometimes I think I can't have a glass of wine...because of the baby! Then I'm brought back to reality that I'm not the one carrying our baby. Then, of course, I go pour myself a huge glass of red wine. I also keep thinking that once the baby arrives, I won't be able to run or do my normal things because I will be sort of recovering...like from giving birth. Don't call the authorities on me...I'm sane, I promise. But since I've done it the other way, this way is so different. Good different, but still different.

While we're making plans, we're still keeping things in check. We are soon going to be meeting our birth mom. I am not nervous, or anxious about it at all. I feel for her, and just want to give her a hug. If she chooses to parent her baby in the end, I will be disappointed, but I will understand. But in the meantime, we'll keep making plans, it's what we do, after all.

*John Lennon

6am Wake Up Call

Saturday morning came all too quickly. The alarmed blared to life at 5:57am on Saturday morning, jarring me from a deep unconsciousness sleep. It had rained the night before and all into the night, but at 6am, there was not a drop to be heard. Bad luck for someone who was getting up to run a 10K, and wasn't really feeling it. My cell phone glared in the looming morning with a text from my friend that she was up and on her way to the race site. She, also, had some not so choice words for the clear skies. I threw on running clothes, laced up my running shoes, and pulled the car out into the pitch black of the morning.

I arrived in Brooklyn for the Nike run without much fanfare and found a parking spot. I met up with my girlfriend who I talked into running the race with me. We threw our bags into my car and found our way to the start line. I knew I didn't want to run the race very fast, and neither did she since she is running the marathon this coming weekend. For me, it was a matter of surviving the race, for my friend it was a mere warm up for her next gig.

But no matter the reasons or goals we had, connecting with one of my oldest friends while running was great. We've been friends since high school since we met at a high school dance our Sophomore year. We became such great friends that we ended up rooming together our freshman year of college, and still talk about that first year. She's moved away a few times, and now we find ourselves many miles from the place we grew up on the other side of the country. We still don't get to see each other as much as we'd like, but it's nice knowing I have at least one very good friend out here.

A few years ago, my friend started dating an ex-marine, and after only 6 weeks of dating, she had pretty strong feelings for this person. She thought he could be the one and one morning as she walked with one of our other best friends, she confided that she was going to drop the big "L" word to him hopefully that night. When she arrived home that afternoon from her walk, she received a message that he had died in a motorcycle accident that very morning. Her world crumbled around her. And we were there to pick up the pieces. When she was going through her worst nightmare, she started to think about running. Her late boyfriend was going to do the Chicago Marathon that year, and she wanted to train and run it in his memory.

She had run so little up until that point, and was asking my advice on all things running. I shared what little knowledge that I had, since I had never run a marathon, but I was one of her biggest supporters. That fall, I cheered my friend on as she ran her first marathon. I was so proud she had set a goal and accomplished it, all with a broken heart.

So I reflected on most of this as we ran together on Saturday. I had a tougher run, and she talked me through the whole race. She told me stories of all of our friends growing up. She talked about some of our good friends and what she had talked to them about lately. She talked about her husband and how they want to try for a baby soon. What did I add to the conversation? A few heaves and grunts, and the occasional, "wow, I didn't know that." She knew I was struggling so she just kept talking. That, is a good friend, and made it all worth the 6am wake up call.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Over a year ago, I pulled out of the parking lot of our fertility doctor's office after an ultrasound and bloodwork. It was very early on a Saturday or Sunday morning and chilly. I came to hate getting up early to join the cattle call of getting poked and prodded. I especially hated when I had to get out of bed and leave a sleeping husband and dog on my weekend. But this particular day I rushed back to the car in the chilly weather, turned up the heat and a song came on the radio. It was from an artist I had never heard of, but I liked it! It just struck me, and instantly put me in a better mood. When I got home I researched the artist and learned his name...Mika. It was love I tell you.

Of course I bought his album, because if I loved that song so much, I was sure to like some others. It's just fun music, made me want to get up and dance...and that's just what I did. During those months after we lost the baby, and I started up IVF treatments again, I was in a weird place. Not sure if I was coming or going...Kevin was still in grad school so away a lot. It was during this time I decided to try to find those things I loved again. And I found it in music.

Remember in high school, or college, grabbing a hair brush for a microphone and singing your favorite song at the top of your lungs in your bedroom where no one could see you? Screaming the lyrics you thought were written for you, and then there was the dancing. You danced like nobody was watching. That's what Mika brought back to me. I LOUDLY turned up, Lollipop, or Big Girls, grabbed a ruler or water bottle and danced around our condo. Bailey would hop off the bed and run around me, tail wagging.

Mika just came out with his second album, and I immediately loved it. I saw that he was playing in NYC, so bought two tickets and dragged Kevin with me. Mika tends to be a little flamboyant, so we weren't sure of the crowd, but it turned out to be just a bunch of people like us. Couples our age (one guy had a Mr. Grumpy t-shirt on, so I suspect he was also not excited about attending), young high school girls, gay couples and drunk college kids. It was one of the best concerts I've been to, and I had a blast. I danced, sang, laughed, cheered. People left their seats and came into the aisles to dance. The venue is so old, it felt like it was going to crumble down around us. At the end they threw huge while beach balls into the crowd, making it look like a drug induced snowball fight.

It seems so few times in life we can really let go, let it all out and leave it out there for the world to see. I've made a promise to myself to bring more of that back into my life. To learn to relax, and enjoy those moments. To remember what makes me...well...me. And if that means turning up my favorite song and singing at the top of my lungs, then so be it. And I can keep doing that, because nobody is watching.

The Chosen One

We had a lovely weekend here on the east coast. My parents came out to visit us for the first time since we moved and it had all the markings of success; quintessential New England fall weather, great food from great restaurants, and lots of wine to keep the conversation flowing and laughter loud. What can I say, I get my love of wine from my parents, and my love of coffee and my impatience. Oh, whatever, it was a great weekend!

I was hoping to have some good news for my parents on the adoption front. Our profile was presented to a birth mom (BM) last Friday, and I didn't know how long it would take for her to make a decision. I forgot to ask those minor details, but also didn't think that they would hurry a BM because of the obvious that she is deciding who is going to raise her baby. So the week came and went as I checked my cell phone every single second. I had an appointment on Thursday and had to shut my cell phone off for the first time that week. I knew as soon as I turned it off, she was going to call, and thought that was actually a good thing. And, of course I was right. I listened to her message, feeling nauseous, certain she was going to say that we were not chosen. Talking myself off the ledge that if she didn't choose us, there are so many people like us that deserve babies. But the message had different news...that our BM needed more time. She had narrowed down her choices, and were still in the running, but she needed more time. I slammed my phone shut, happy, and still a little weary. My parents were coming in on Friday and I needed to get the house ready.

My parents got in late Friday night, so we welcomed them at the airport and came back to our house for some wine and cheese. My laptop was sitting out, so I decided to show my parents facebook! I took them through their high school classes, and showed them what my friends were up to. It was so much fun...I think my dad is going to ask me to be his "friend" soon. Wonder what I'll write on his wall?

Saturday we headed to New Haven to see Yale, and walk around town. The weather was warm and breezy. We ate pizza, toured Yale, decided that Yale students are more attractive than I had thought smart kids would be, and did a little shopping. We also saw a 6 foot beach ball being rolled down the sidewalk by some students and you would have thought that they had Michael Jackson with them by the way other students were reacting. I felt like I witnessed something great...and I sorely miss college.

Saturday on our way back my dad wanted to stop at a wine shop. There was a bakery next door and I wanted to ask them a question so headed in with my mom. On our way out, over to the wine shop, my cell phone started ringing. I noticed the area code as our agent at the adoption agency and waved my mom into the wine shop so I could take the call. It was our agent and she had some news...the birth mom had chosen us! I can't tell you what she said on the phone, I can't tell you want I said, all I know is I started crying outside the wine shop. I looked in and gave Kevin's a thumbs up, and he thought I was crazy. Then I started making a sign of rocking a baby, and he ran outside and swooped me in a hug. It was one of the best moments I will remember in my life.

My parents have known we were are getting shown to BM's, but don't know any details...so we decided to tell them at dinner that night. Again, I think instead of telling the story from start to finish, I think I started in the middle, went to the beginning and somewhere in there got to the finish.

While we are so thrilled, we are also very cautious. We know that at the end, she could change her mind. But she wants to meet with us, so we will be flying across the country to meet her soon. I feel surprisingly at peace, and I'm not sure why. I guess because I feel humbled that we have another journey. That we will meet her, that our joy will be her loss. That we must remain cautious right now, and try not to get too excited. But knowing we were chosen by the first BM that saw our profile...that if she does change her mind in the end, it shouldn't be long before we are chosen again. And after all we have been through, I have tried to remember there is a plan for us and I must remain positive, because if nothing else, who wants to hang out with debbie downer all the time?

So I ask for prayers and positive thoughts, not only for us, but for the BM. I will be not sharing all the details, as it is somewhat private. It all feels surreal right now and I can't help but think this could finally be our time. But I also know life can throw curve balls and have come to expect them. For today we are happy and basking in the contentedness that we have been chosen.

Just Breathe...and Sleep!...and Breathe Again...

because the fun is about to begin.

About 2 weeks ago I called my social worker to see where we were at with our home study. I hadn't heard from her, and knew we were just waiting for our background checks to come through. She emailed back to say our home study was completed! She then mailed it to the agency we are using, and hence, my wonderful, fitful nights of sleep were no longer. Did I ever mention that I have issues sleeping with big things going on in my life? I do. But I digress.

With the arrival of said home study to our far away agency, we then had to finish our family profile and dear birth mother letter. I had started our profile, but now that the adoption process was once again back in our laps I didn't want to waste any more time. The profile, which is a little booklet of photos of us, our home, our life, etc, is the first piece of us that the potential birth mother will see. So the pictures are important, as well as the layout and how we decide to project ourselves...all on paper...all smiling and happy, and all...I like to run, and travel, and play with my puppy, in my super kid friendly house in the suburbs...don't you want us to parent your child? Which is all true, but I'm a smart ass, and sometimes, dare I say it, a little cranky? And Kevin...well his sense of humor is so dry that sometimes my dad has to look at him for a few seconds before he laughs at something Kevin said because he's not sure if it was a joke or not. Bottom line, we're not perfect, but have to try to look somewhat perfect on paper. It's not easy to project that all in photos!

I finished (sorry, we Goose, we...) the profile this week and had it printed at our local copy shop. Let's set the scene here...I give my saved file to the girl working at "Linko's" and she takes it all bored like, sticks it in the hard drive to start my printing. I see her scroll through every page...I try to act nonchalant. She looks up,
"oh my god, are you adopting?!"
"Yes, that's the plan anyway!"
"Oh, can you not have kids?"
"Umm...well, we don't know if that's true...but we um...well we are just adopting!"
(Enter a copy shop co-worker male, middle aged...weird looking)
Him: "Oh, who is the problem?"
Me: "Umm...wha....I dunno...I just..."
Him: Point to his groin area, "I mean is it him, low sperm count or something?"
Me: "HA HA HA! I....HA HA HA! No...it's...um (none of your effing business)..it's really unexplained."
Him: "UNEXPLAINED!?! Well go get your money back! I have a kid, 2 years old you can have him for 2 million dollars."
Me: "Ha ha...ok, I need some additional supplies so I will come back when my copies are ready."

Yes, I kid you not folks. Some people are THAT ignorant. But I realized that with adoption I will probably have to get ready for the dumb questions and comments that come out of people's mouths. Because if one more person tells me I'm going to get pregnant once we adopt I'm going to kick their butt to the moon. That to me...is like saying to someone, "once you get married, I bet you meet your soul mate." My other soul mate just happens to be sitting in some other mama's belly right now.

I did walk out with my copies, and sent them off to our agency. I emailed our agency contact to let her know our profiles were on their way, and she called me back yesterday and said that she needed a copy by this Friday because she wanted to present us to a birth mom! This is really starting to happen for us! Even if she doesn't choose us, we are now in the mix. It feels amazing, and surreal, and a little crazy in my head right now. So breathing is good and sleeping would be nice too, but I'd rather not be sleeping because of all this good, than staying awake thinking about the bad things.

Unlikely Friends

As we get closer and closer to realizing our dream of becoming parents, I have a mix of feelings going on right now. I'm excited, a little anxious, calm, unsuspecting, and then a little more excited! In the past 2 months we have been analyzed, questioned, visited, weighed/poked/blood-drawn, financially, criminally and mentally checked out, and that was only to get us to the start line! The real journey is about to begin.

(Rob Morgan/The Daily Reporter, via AP)

We are about 3 days away from being done with all of our paperwork and getting started to get matched with birth mothers. It's surreal really. We have no idea what we're in for, but we will soon find out.

(Ali Jarekji/Reuters)

I keep thinking about how I will bond with a new baby, how soon will we fall in love? Then I look over at this crazy fur ball curled up on the blanket next to me and realize she has found nooks and crannies in my heart I didn't know existed. I know I'm in trouble...this new baby is going to bring us to a level we could never have imagined.

(ABC News)

I was checking out GMA's website for something I saw on the show this morning, and I came across these pictures. These unlikely friends, now "families." Adoption, in a sense, is instinctual. So then I calm down and know, know, this is exactly what was meant for us.